Lets pretend, just pretending of course, that there was a boy who was in love with a girl more than anything else in the world. He wanted to see her happy more than he had wanted anything else in the world. These two pretend people were going out for a while. Oh, and this pretend boy had also been a virgin when he met this pretend girl, but he loved her and he thought that he would marry her and so he gave her himself in all senses of the phrase. Just pretend you understand.
Of course. I understand completely. Just pretend, like you said.
Right. Anyway, this pretend boy made many mistakes, some more serious than others. . . .
Wait. How serious are we talking here?
Oh, pretty serious. Once very serious. He never completely forgave himself for that once, but he tried because he knew that if he didn't he would never have the will to live. If he did he would at least have that chance. You see, he thought that what he did should be punishable by death, and he included himself in that judgement.
I see. Go on.
Yeah ok, well, they had often told each other how much they loved each other, and they were happy in the beginning before he made that one really bad mistake. And he asked her to marry him, well, sort of, I mean he wrote a poem to that affect and gave it to her on Valentines day, and she agreed to marry him, and they were very happy for a little while, like I said before.
But then, this pretend boy you know, he started making a few more mistakes. He said things and they came out wrong and she took them wrong and all kinds of things got messed up that way, and then of course there was that one mistake I mentioned before, you know, that really bad one. Yeah, well, that hurt her a lot, and she never believed him again when she said he loved her, because if he loved her than he wouldn't have done that. She thought that if he loved her he wouldn't make so many other mistakes either, and that his mistakes meant that he must not care enough. And he saw that she didn't treat him the same way anymore and that she didn't look at him with the happiness that she used to, and so he asked her what was the matter, but she wouldn't tell him. So then he knew that it was him, and he tried even harder.
He tried to spend more time with her and give her everything that she wanted and do whatever she wanted. That was another mistake, and didn't work, because he missed some of his classes and started getting behind even though he had said that he wouldn't miss his classes, so that way he would do well in school you know and then he'd be able to stay with her, see? And she thought that he was just spoiling her and giving her everything she wanted because that was the easy way out, and that he did everything she asked because he didn't care enough about the time they spent together, and so that really backfired on him.
So then he tried to do something else, and not just what she wanted, but then he ended up making her go with him over the summer which she didn't want to do, and she didn't forgive him for that either. He had thought that they would be happy then, you know, together? But they weren't, because she needed money, and they couldn't either of them make any. And also she had tried to get them a place to stay and had given up a place that she could have stayed for him, and that was partly why he thought she should go with him, and also because once she had said that she would have wanted to spend time with him no matter what, but of course, he was mistaken about exactly when that applied.
Well anyway, she went home and left him a few weeks before the end of the summer, and he missed her a lot and thought up ways of showing her that when he sent her the package of things she left behind, but she told him not to bother sending the package, and then he didn't know what to do, and he was back at school before he could think of something.
Back at school ended up not being much of an improvement. In pretend I mean of course, because this didn't really happen. Just in pretend. So, this pretend boy, he didn't get many things right when he got back, and he continued to forget everything, even his aniversary, and she never would remind him, because if he didn't remember then that meant that he didn't love her. She thought that if he loved her he wouldn't make so many mistakes (remember?), but he couldn't help it. He had always made a lot of mistakes, but he had never had any motivation to fix that until now, and he didn't know how to stop.
Eventually she just started telling him to break up with her, since he obviously didn't love her since he could never really make her happy. She had told him very early in the relationship that she would never break up with him, but he had thought then that she would and he just didn't know how, but now he did. And he wanted to make her happy, but he also wanted to stay with her, and it hurt him a lot that she wanted him to leave her. He cried himself to sleep almost every night trying to think of ways to make her happy, but he never could.
After a week or two of this, he gave up and told her that he thought that they should be apart since he couldn't make her happy. And she probably thought that it meant that he really didn't love her. In pretend I mean, so I guess I could say that she did think that not probably, since it's just pretend, right?
Anyway, she said that they'd just be friends since they weren't going out, and he thought maybe he could make her happy just as friends. She also said that this time he would have to put some effort into the friendship since she had done all the work when they were going out, and he thought that she must be right, since she had after all put up with all his mistakes and that should count a lot since he had made so many.
So he agreed to that, and he tried to hang around with her and talk to her, but she wouldn't look at him when he walked by or if he was even sitting next to her. This pretend boy was also very shy, and he had a lot of trouble trying to talk to her like this, and eventually she wouldn't even say anything when he did something nice for her. He thought that this seemed to be pretty opposed to being friends, but he didn't know what to say.
He tried talking to another guy who had once been both their friends, but the other guy hung around with this pretend girl all the time, and so he started seeing less and less of him and he didn't know how to approach him. He started writing poems and things and leaving them where people would see them and maybe ask him about them, but nobody would. And he would hint at things to people hoping that they would talk to him about it, but they probably thought that it was too private, so he just suffered in silence.
He had no one to turn to, and he got depressed. He couldn't tell her, since she would get upset and he didn't like making her upset. He couldn't tell the other guy who had been a really close friend of his, because they just seemed like aquaintances now, and they hardly spoke or saw each other. He tried mentioning it to his friends, but they would only tell him that yeah it was too bad and that he should get over it, but he couldn't and them telling him that was no help.
So this pretend boy in this pretend world started to give up. There was no one left. His parents had long ago alienated him by trying to be too protective, and he had moved away from his other friends, so who was left?
I'm here for you.
I know,
said the boy. A tear trickled down his cheek. I know you're here.
Everything will be ok. You don't have to worry about anything.
I know,
said the boy. Thank you for that.
Shhh, don't worry. Everything will be ok,
whispered the gun. Everything will be ok, soon.
The boy nodded to himself and smiled. The tears were streaming down his cheeks now. He looked at the gun. He raised it. He saw a tear drop on it. Then he didn't see anything. ever